


An Expected Wedding

by Astronaut_Milky, tobeconspicuous



Series: Now and Then [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Fluff, Ice Cream & Scotch, Rare Pairings, Teensy Bit of Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Wedding Fluff, teensy bit of Carhoun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeconspicuous/pseuds/tobeconspicuous
Summary: i carry your heart with me(i carry it inmy heart)i am never without it(anywherei go you go,my dear;and whatever is doneby only me is your doing,my darling)I carry your heart with me - E. E. Cummings





	An Expected Wedding

**Author's Note:**

> Our Bangan series has come full circle, this is the end my friends.
> 
> Astronaut_Milky says "It's been an absolute honour and a privilege to work with one of my favourite fic authors. I hope you all appreciate the final instalment of this series."
> 
> Tobeconspicuous says "Astronaut_Milky is absolutely divine as always, she creates magic with her words, this series is all that it is because of her."
> 
> Many thanks to BarbaxCarisi for their wonderful support for acting as a beta for this fic.
> 
> We do not own, only enjoy, and we hope you do as well. Feedback is very much appreciated.

**Then - Trevor**

 

Trevor Langan had never met Lucia Barba, though he had heard a lot about the woman. Rafael had described his mother as a force of nature not to be messed with, a woman with a keen mind and a sharp tongue. Olivia described her as a no nonsense woman who was as quick witted as her son and not nearly as mean as he made her out to be.

He had seen many photos of the woman, he had heard stories about her larger than life presence. Though nothing could have prepared him for when the woman herself came barrelling towards them, a look of determination in her eye.

“Mami!” Rafael spluttered on his water as his mother stormed towards their table.

“Rafi.”

Trevor was certain the prosecutor was unhappy that one of their all too rare lunch dates had been interrupted by his own mother. Trevor flashed a smile at his partner before he reached across the table, grabbed Rafael’s hand and rubbed soothing circles against the skin with his thumb.

Rafael smiled gratefully at Trevor before he turned to face his mother. “What are you doing here?”

“Carmen told me where I could find you and I-” The woman gave Trevor an appraising look, her eyes travelled down his arm to where his hand was intertwined with Rafael’s before honing her sharp gaze back on her son. “Who’s this?”

Rafael rolled his eyes. “Mami you can’t just-”

“Am I interrupting something important Rafael?” Her tone turned teasing. “Is this a date?”

“Clearly,” Rafael cocked a brow.

“So this is him,” Lucia mimicked her son’s expression. “The ever elusive Trevor Langan, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”

“Likewise ma’am,” Trevor said politely.

Lucia continued, her tone overly sweet. “This meeting is long overdue. Rafael has been promising me for months that the three of us would have dinner.”

Rafael sounded indignant as he tried to explain. “I’ve been trying to organise a meeting between-”

“If it was up to you it would have been after you moved in together,” Lucia promptly ignored her son. Trevor tried not to laugh as his partner’s face started to turn red, Lucia though was quick on the uptake and moved in for the kill. “Oh! You’re already living together.”

Rafael took a deep breath before he continued. “Only for the past few months-”

Lucia was determined as she cut her son off. “I see you at least once a fortnight and you didn’t think to mention you moved in with your boyfriend?”

“You know I’m a private person Mami-”

“I’m your mother Rafael, I birthed you-”

As Trevor watched them bicker back and forth his stomach began to sink. He couldn’t believe that Rafael hadn’t told Lucia that they had taken this step, a nasty thought crept into the taller man’s mind, that he couldn’t believe that Rafael told Lucia anything about him. 

Trevor had always felt as though every time he and Rafael moved forward as a couple the other man would retreat into himself. Rafael who pretended to be so confident, so sure of himself, seemed to always second guess himself and their relationship. Trevor’s gaze flickered to his partner, then to his mother, then back to Rafael. He sighed loudly before he rose his hand, effectively putting an end to the bickering.

“Lucia,” Trevor kept his voice level as he rose to his feet. “It was lovely to meet you, but I think you need to work things out with your son, then he and I need to have a conversation.”

“Trevor-”

Trevor leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the top of Rafael’s head. “I’ll see you at home.”

“I know you said he was tall Rafael-” was all Trevor caught as he walked away from the discussion.

Trevor made his way back to his office and tried to throw himself into his work to no avail. He ended up leaving early and spent the commute home thinking about what he was going to say to Rafael, what the man would say to him. As he reached their apartment and unlocked the front door the tension he was holding onto seemed to evaporate.

Rafael wasn’t home.

Trevor made himself a light meal before he curled up on the couch with a book and a glass of scotch he had poured himself from Rafael’s favourite bottle. He felt the man at least owed him that.

When he heard the familiar sounds of Rafael unlocking the front door, Trevor began to feel a little nervous. He took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on reading his book. It was hard as each sound the prosecutor made as he worked his way through the apartment seemed to be amplified.

Eventually Rafael emerged, his footsteps muted, probably by socks, and Trevor felt the man’s arms slither around his shoulders. He let himself be held for a moment, relishing in Rafael’s smell and the sound of the man’s breathing.

“You know I’m not embarrassed by you,” Rafael murmured into his ear before he pressed a kiss to his temple. “I wasn’t trying to hide you from my mother.”

“I know,” Trevor answered quietly.

“I just find it difficult to talk to people,” Rafael continued to speak as he walked around the couch and sat next to Trevor. “To let them in. I do want you to meet my mother.”

“Isn’t that what happened earlier?” He couldn’t help the bitter tone that escaped.

“Trevor,” Rafael scooched closer to him, instinctively Trevor wrapped an arm around the shorter man and pulled him tight against his chest. “I want you to meet her properly, have her over for dinner.”

“I’d like that,” Trevor raised his free hand to pull the fabric away from Rafael’s shoulder and he pressed a kiss to the bronze flesh he had revealed.

“I should have invited her back when we first moved in together,” the shorter man continued as he tilted his head to give Trevor access to more of his neck.

Trevor nipped at Rafael’s collarbone before he uttered his agreement. “You should have.”

“I’m sorry,” it sounded more like a moan than a sincere apology.

Trevor pressed the whole of himself against Rafael’s back before he growled into his ear, “Prove it.”

 

**Now - Rafael**

 

Rafael was always a nervous pacer. Back and forth, around in circles, anything to release the energy prickling just beneath his skin. The night before any exam, he would be up until two A.M. pacing throughout his bedroom, or apartment, usually with a frustratingly calm Rita sitting nearby, smirking more with each step.

On this day, as the fall leaves began to float from the trees, Rafael relished in the satisfying crunch as he trod a repetitive path across the already fallen leaves.

He bit at his nails, he straightened his tie for what felt like the thousandth time, and he focused on deep breaths. Anything and everything to calm down the rapid beating of his heart.

It had all been planned so perfectly. Intimate, just as they had wanted. The botanical gardens were bright and inviting, and Rafael was grateful that Trevor had convinced him to have an outdoor wedding. Everything was just exactly how it was meant to be.

Which didn’t explain why he had an urge to flee.

He would  _ never  _ leave on the day he was to marry Trevor. He wanted to be here, to be with the love of his life, and take the next step into forever.

But there was something about today, something unnamed and poisonous, that was kicking his fight or flight instincts into gear. So he paced back and forth, wringing his hands, straightening his lavender tie, trying to ignore the deafening roar pounding in his ears.

“Rafa?” a familiar voice asked. He spun on his heel to see Liv leaning against a nearby tree. “You look tense.”

He huffed out a bitter laugh. “Am I that obvious?”

“You look like you might vomit, so that would be a yes.” When he didn’t laugh again, she stepped forward hesitantly. “Rafa, what’s going on?”

He didn’t know when he stopped moving, but either way, the question had him freeze even further.

“Something isn’t right.”

Liv gave him a look of confusion. “The venue looks beautiful, perfect even. We all knew you had an eye for colours, but this is-”

“It’s not that.”

Her eyes widened slightly, and he could feel the concern radiate off her. “Oh… Is there anything I can do to help?”

He racked his brain for a solution to his nerves. Aside from asking Liv for a cigarette, or some kind of liquor, he couldn’t think of anything to help. 

And then it hit him.

“Get Rita.”

She nodded, and wordlessly slipped away, no doubt to where all his family and friends were waiting. He checked his watch. Ten minutes until he would walk through the crowd, and meet Trevor in the middle, and commit to the wonderful man who owned his heart.

“You asked for me,” Rita’s voice sounded from behind him. As he turned however, another voice chimed in.

“Damn, Barba. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Carisi. She had brought Carisi along.

“Detective.  _ Rita, _ ” he pointedly gritted out.

“Before you start, Sonny has been through plenty of weddings with cold feet-”

“Seems to be the Italian way,” Carisi joked, beaming at Rita who merely rolled her eyes, though the action was filled with more affection than Rafael had ever seen from his friend.

“So I thought he might prove useful,” she explained. “Now, talk me through what is happening.”

Rafael sighed, a near groan, and only barely resisted the urge to run his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know!” he shouted, frustrated, pacing once again. “There’s this terrifying ache in my chest, and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a skyscraper and there’s a gun to my back and a voice telling me to just- to jump, and I-”

“Rafael,” Rita murmured, her eyes wide with shock. “Rafael take a deep breath.”

He tried to follow her order, breathing in for three, holding for seven, releasing for four, but it was shaky and shallow.

“Barba,” Carisi finally spoke after what felt like an age. Rafael wasn’t sure when his eyes closed, until they flickered open. Rita, for the first time since Rafael had known her, looked entirely ill-equipped to deal with the situation before her. Carisi, however, seemed confident enough to approach Rafael and rest a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You love Langan, yes?”

“Of course I do,” he snapped back.

“Then it’s something outside your relationship. Outside you and Langan. Can you think of what that might be?”

“Don’t you think if I knew that, I wouldn’t be nearly hyperventilating right now?”

“Rafael,” Rita warned. He sighed. He knew Carisi was trying to help, but his long-perfected defense mechanism of snark had come out swinging, deflecting the pitying eyes and soothing ‘victim’ voices.

“Just think on it,” Carisi encouraged, dropping his hand, only to reach for Rita and link their fingers together.

He watched the couple interact, realising it was potentially the first time he had really seen it. Rita seemed proud and warm, Carisi doting and bright, and Rafael was comforted by the notion that they fit well. Better than he could have ever expected. As they walked away, he realised there was someone who could lift the weight on his chest.

“Rita,” he called out. The couple turned around at the sound of his voice. “Get my mother.”

“Sure thing, Barba,” Carisi reassured.

He was left alone again. Left alone with his thoughts, with his tie, with the orange leaves well-trodden by his circular path.

“Rafi.” He checked his watch. Only a few minutes now. He looked up to be met with Lucia, his mother, giving him what was probably the softest look he had ever received from her. “Talk to me.”

Wordlessly he strode over to her and wrapped his arms around her neck, burying his face into her shoulder, and for just a moment he was transported back to being a child, seeking guidance in the world. A kind of vulnerability he rarely showed.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he confessed as she wrapped her arms around him.

“Rafi,” she soothed, once again more soft than he had expected. “I’m not surprised you are panicking.”

He pulled back from her instantly. “What?”

“Not because of Trevor. Anyone could see how perfect you are for each other,” she reassured. “Marriage, on the other hand…”

“You knew I would freak out about getting married,” he confirmed.

“Rafi, the first time I mentioned you and Trevor getting married, you looked like you had a heart attack,” she teased.

“No I didn’t,” he snapped back, feeling utterly petulant, in a way only his mother could make him feel.

She stepped a little closer, placing a perfectly manicured hand to his cheek. “Just know Rafael… not every marriage is what your father and I had.”

He didn’t realize it until that moment, but those words were exactly what he needed to hear. The relief was instant and blissful, and his body nearly sagged as the tension lifted.

“Mami, I-”

“In saying that, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to-”

“No,” he cut in, not even wanting to hear the rest of the thought. “No, I want to do this.”

His mother gave him a soft, loving pat on the cheek, her eyes watering with what Rafael could only describe as pride. She offered her arm, which Rafael instantly accepted.

“Then let’s get you married.”

 

**Then - Rafael**

 

“I know you said he was tall Rafael, but that man is nearly a behemoth.”

He heard the words, his mind registered them as being directed towards him, but all he could focus on was Trevor’s retreating form. He had half a mind to race after him and plead his case, but he knew Trevor needed time to cool off. He also knew that his mother would never let him hear the end of it.

“Rafi? Are you listening?”

He finally turned to his mother, who was now sitting in Trevor’s seat, waiting expectantly for Rafael to acknowledge her.

“Yes, Mami.”

Her eyes narrowed, piercing into him, and he had the horrible sensation of feeling like a child being reprimanded for drawing on the walls.

“So…” she started, trailing off with a dramatic pause, purposefully keeping Rafael guessing her reaction.

“Can you please get to the point, because I have a world of explaining to do when I get home, and I just-”

“Rafael, do not take that tone with me,” she smoothly snapped, her eyes flashing with warning. “Trevor is not the only person you have to explain yourself to.”

He sighed, burying his face into the palms of his hands, blocking her stare for a brief moment. She was right. Rafael did not like when his mother was right.

“What do you want to know?” he finally asked, meeting her gaze.

She smirked, satisfied in getting her way, and Rafael was once again struck with the desire to leave.

“When did you move in together?”

“Like I said, a couple of months ago,” he muttered, not meeting her eyes.

“Six times, then.”

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, glancing to his mother. “I’m sorry?”

“That’s at least six times you had the opportunity to tell me you were living with someone-” He opened his mouth to bite back, or explain himself, but her eyes flashed once again, so he quickly closed it. “- and that was at least six times you decided not to inform me of this development in your life.”

She was right again. She was right, and he felt even more ashamed than he was earlier.

Before he could even conjure up an appropriate response, Lucia was perusing the menu in front of her. 

“Order your lunch, Rafael. Conversations like this are not easy on an empty stomach.”

As if his body was intent on proving her correct, his stomach growled with hunger. So he picked up his own menu to decide on lunch, grateful to have a little time before he had to explain himself.

Lunch passed wordlessly and awkwardly, with Lucia giving him the most pointed of glances and sighs as she ate her salad. Rafael tried to ignore the guilt trip that she was laying on thick, but the instant he took his last bite, and her most recent sigh lasted more than five seconds, he dropped his cutlery, letting it clang against the plate.

“Alright, Mami, say what you want to say.”

She made an infuriating point of scraping up every last mouthful of her salad, of dabbing the corners of her mouth with her napkin, of taking a drawn out sip of her water, before she finally spoke.

“Are you embarrassed by him?”

Whatever Rafael had been expecting, been bracing himself for, it had certainly not been that.

“Am I- no, absolutely not.” He could feel his voice raising, his pitch going higher, with incredulous shock. “Mami, I love him.”

“So you were just trying to hide him from me?”

His eyes narrowed with suspicion. “No, you’ve known about him for a while, it’s just-”

“You didn’t want to tell me you were living together.”

“I-” he started, but he truly wasn’t sure where he was going with the sentence.

“Does Rita know?” Rafael had to give his mother one thing, she was disturbingly talented at keeping him on his toes.

“Of course.”

“I’ve always liked her Rafi, she’s sharp like you.” Her tone was as light as Lucia could make it, but that just furthered his suspicion.

“You mean like you?” When she didn’t respond, he pushed further. “I have no interest in marrying-”

“Who said anything about marriage?” she instantly jumped in before he could catch up with what his mouth had said.  “Rafael?”

“I- I’m just saying, I know you’ve always liked Rita, but that was never going to happen.”

“I know that.” So simple, as if that explained anything. He had a fleeting thought that perhaps this is what it was like for everyone else, whenever they tried to talk to him. Deflections and evasions, whatever necessary to have the upper hand.

“So then what’s the-”

“Is it because he’s a man?”

At that, his heart seized. He had split-second flashes of coming out, of his father’s endless tirades, of the burning shame he had felt.

“No, it’s-” he tried to start, only to once again be cut off by his mother.

“You love him.” It was one thing to have her change tactics over and over again. It was another to have her simply state the truth.

“I do. I really do.”

“Then you have to let him in.”

“I have-” 

She chuckled, in a knowing way that only a mother could. “Not just let him into your apartment, or your heart. To your history. Your family.”

_ Me. _

The silent plea. His mother wanted to be let in, just as much as Trevor did. It was overwhelming to know that the two people he loved most in the world, wanted to know him as much as they loved him. So he bit the inside of his cheek and nodded.

“I want to meet him properly.”

“You will, Mami.”

After they said their goodbyes, Rafael took a long walk. Not a brisk pace, not a leisurely stroll, but a steady step, enough to clear his mind and decide exactly how to explain himself to Trevor.

When his feet finally brought him to their apartment building, the sun had set low, casting a warm glow across the city.

The journey to the front door of their apartment was purposeful and almost terrifying. But he knew he could face Trevor, and do what he realised he hadn’t been. He knew he could let Trevor Langan in.

 

**Now - Trevor**

 

When the first notes of Gymnopédie No.1 began to play a sense of wonder began to move through Trevor’s bones, a sense of resonating joy. He had spent a blissful day with his mother and siblings, sipping champagne and laughing, all the stress of the last few weeks had melted away. Everything lead to this moment, the pianist had started to play their song, the song they had waltzed to so long ago in Trevor’s apartment.

His mother took his arm, the warmth and pride in her gaze only added to the bliss he felt. He nodded to her and they began to move heading through the trees that would lead them to their guests. As they walked he remembered Rafael being concerned about how his mother would look, so tiny, so frail next to Trevor, not that it mattered, not this day.

When they finally reached the crowd Trevor’s gaze looked towards the other side of the clearing they had chosen, and through the gaps in the trees is where he caught his first glimpse of the man he was about to marry. For the first time Trevor truly knew what it meant to be breathless.

With Lucia on his arm, Rafael was a vision in his simple dark grey suit, his lavender tie and matching pocket square completed the exquisite ensemble. The perfect complement to the silver tie Rafael had chosen for him, to bring out the flecks of silver in his eyes. 

Their walk to the centre of the clearing felt like an age and an instant, when he finally reached Rafael he felt his smile reflected on the shorter man’s face. He kissed his mother goodbye before he stepped towards Lucia and leaned down to press a kiss against her cheek.

Then he turned to Rafael.

“Hello,” Trevor whispered to the man about to become his husband, he could feel how big his smile was. Rafael rolled his eyes playfully, but the prosecutor was also smiling, in fact there was no other word to describe Rafael, he was glowing.

His partner had never looked so happy, never looked so alive before. Trevor reached out and took Rafael’s hand with his own, the touch sent a happy shiver through his body. Trevor felt complete.

Trevor tried to pay attention to what was being said, the carefully worded ceremony that he and Rafael had painstakingly written. Each look from Rafael, each stolen glance, each shy smile was a welcome distraction. Trevor was captivated by the man standing in front of him, the man who would soon be his husband.

All too soon it was time for Trevor to recite his vows.

“Rafael,” he began simply, his voice filled with all the love he felt for the man standing with him. “You always find a way to tell me exactly what I need to hear, whether it’s a distraction from an argument or words of comfort. You make me laugh, let me cry, you free me to be myself. I promise to love you and to care for you, to respect you and to honour you, to encourage you and to comfort you. I promise to be true to you for the rest of our days.  _ I carry your heart with me, I carry it on my heart, I am never without it _ .”

Trevor pulled the ring he had kept safe for so long from his pocket. He grabbed Rafael’s and and slid the ring on, pausing at the knuckle. “With this ring I take you to be my best friend and partner for life.” Then he slid the ring to the bottom of Rafael’s finger to where it would remain for the rest of his life.

Then it was Rafael’s turn.

“Trevor,” he said with a cocked brow, though in place of his usual smirk was the most ridiculously perfect smile Trevor had ever seen. “You’ve always seen the best in me, even when I cannot. You’ve taught me love, patience and understanding. You encourage me to be true to myself, you have made me a better person, and our love for one another is reflected in the way I live my life.”

Trevor couldn’t help the single tear that escaped and rolled down his cheek. Rafael’s simple words moved him more than he thought possible.

Rafael continued, a soft, proud smile on his lips. “I promise to love you and to care for you, to respect you and to honour you, to encourage you and to comfort you. I promise to be true to you for the rest of our days.  _ Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. _ ”

Trevor felt Rafael raise his hand. “With this ring I take you to be my best friend and partner for life,” As Rafael said the words he slowly slid the ring down Trevor’s finger.

With their vows completed both men smiled at the other, excited for what was finally to come. 

“Trevor,” the officiant began fondly. “Rafael. We, your family and friends, have heard you promise to share your lives together in marriage. We recognise and respect the vows you have made here before us.

“May you continue to love and grow together, creating a life that reflects the honesty you have affirmed here today, and may you always be grateful for the special gift of each other and often say ‘I love you.’

“Trevor and Rafael, it is with the greatest pleasure that I now declare you to be married. You may now kiss your husband.”

Trevor looked at the man before him, his own steel grey eyes meeting Rafael’s familiar viridian ones for the first time as his husband.  _ Husband.  _ Trevor was unsure if he would ever get used to the word, it felt so perfect, so right. 

Trevor stepped forward and raised a hand to stroke Rafael’s cheek before he leaned down and whispered ‘I love you’ against the shorter man’s mouth before he closed the gap. When Trevor finally kissed Rafael in front of their friends and family he could taste a touch of scotch and a hint of vanilla ice cream.


End file.
